DARK TALES FROM THE VET PT. 2: REAL AZZ WHOOPING’S THAT TOOK PLACE AT PHILA’S FAMED VETERANS STADIUM
The place, 700 level of Veterans stadium. The date, December 31st 1989. The game, playoffs, Los Angeles Rams vs Philadelphia Eagles. The combatants, Miguel “Botros Botros” Rojas vs Stanley Nelson.
Eagles are in the playoffs. The city is excited. Philadelphians firmly believe that this is the day the Eagles Gang Green defense will take the Eagles firmly to the top. There was no group of fans more excited than the 700 level. As Stanley Johnson of Inglewood California was about to find out. It began with a common mistake that visitors to the Vet make. Stanley Johnson had a Jim Everett Rams jersey on. Upon sitting in his seat the first salvo was fired. “Hey, Everett? Ram this! Hey, Chris? Shouldn’t you be playing tennis? Hey, Chris! This is Philly, baby! You’re gonna see how we get down around here!
But the meanest and most visceral comments came from Miguel. “Hey, Everett? Walter Hudson ask you to stretch his shirt? I banged your mom.”
Then the game began. Everything was going good until Izel Jenkins reared his ugly head. On the very first drive for the Rams, Jim Everett easily moved the ball on the De and finished the drive with a long pass to receiver Henry Ellard, who out jumped defensive back Izel Jenkins for the ball and raced 39 yards to the end zone. That’s when Stanley Johnson made the second mistake often made by visitors to the vet.
Stanley Johnson rose from his seat and shouted two words that are considered the ultimate curse words in the 700 level. “Woooo, yeah! That’s my Rams.”
Angered, Miguel immediately retorted, “Sit the hell down before we meet each other in the parking lot.” Stanley replied, “ Excuse me.
Miguel answered, “Do what you do when you go to the bathroom and sit down.”
As in other cases, Stanley had a decision to make. And as in other cases, Stanley unfortunately brought his girlfriend who was a 5 foot, 100 pound, buxom blonde haired blue eyed woman. Stanley looked at her and made at that moment the gravest decision of his life. “Alright buddy. You’re so tough. Let’s go to that parking lot.”
With unmitigated joy, Miguel leapt from his seat and he, Stanley, and the whole 700 level went to the parking lot. Stanley entered first with Miguel in tow. Upon reaching the lot, Stanley turned and said, “I’m giving you one last…”
The first blow bloodied his nose instantly. “What the…” Stanley exclaimed.
The second blow met the bottom of his jaw. And as Stanley quickly got whiplash from the punch he looked into the sky, he thought rather confusingly, “Looks like it’s about to snow.
What followed was the obligatory haymaker from Stanley. Easily ducked, Miguel tenderized those ribs like a bar-b-que rib master. With his eye slowly closing, Stanley looked to the crowd to see his girlfriend slowly begin to huddle up with Miguel’s brother. The beating was brought to a merciful end when Miguel, who attended a wrestling event the day before, implemented the Russian Sickle. As Stanley flipped head-over-heels from the clothes line, the last thing he thought was “I hope those weren’t my keys” as the change from his pockets flew everywhere. Quarters, nickels, dimes hit the ground like raindrops. His left shoe came off and landed atop an ‘89 Ford Fiero. And finally the most humiliating moment happened. Stanley’s ex-girlfriend took the shoe from atop the Fiero and laid it on his ass. She whispered in his ear the last thing he’d hear before going unconscious. “I only dated you cause you got me into the LL Cool J concert free & I’m moving to Philadelphia to become an Eagles fan. Bye, be-atch.” Then she stepped over him and joined the greatest fans in the world. 700 level Philadelphia Eagles fans. As told by Odessa Turner. Former Veterans Stadium Security Gaurd.
Tyrone Wisdom
sports humour
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