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00640029-60D4-4324-ACCF-6F1493A353A4-200×150.jpg” alt=”00640029-60D4-4324-ACCF-6F1493A353A4″ width=”200″ height=”150″ /> PRINCE WAS A MAN OF MANY TALENTS! Music, Singing, Writing, Humanitarian, Basketball, Yes Basketball, we all remember The Charlie Murphy Story from The Old  Dave Chappelle Show. So yes! We can also add Athlete to that list cause Prince was Very Athletic, so he could’ve definitely played Sports.

But out of all The Sports, The One Sport that stands out in particular that he would’ve excelled at is Professional Figure Skating, honestly let’s face it, Prince would’ve been one helluva figure skater! He had all the components.

His Size, His Weight, plus if you think about it he was always jumpin around doing Figure Skaterish kinda moves. And just like Charlie Murphy said,  his outfits pretty much looked like something a Figure Skater would wear. Soooooo what happened? How come Prince didn’t go for it?

Well he actually did and the story goes like this……….Growing up Prince Idolized Figure Skating because he believed it would get him all the girls! So  In 1976 he tried out for The Ice Capades, and did very well! He impressed everyone, including the towel boys! So when The Bigwigs who ran The Ice Capades pulled him aside, Prince just knew this was his big moment!

You See, this was before he had hit it big as a musician so basically were talking about The Broke Prince, not to be confused with The Fresh Prince, who was definitely broke when he moved in with His Aunty & Uncle in Bel Air. And when he went on to Star in The Movie Six Degrees Of Separation, well lets just say he definitely got Broke! …………………………………………………….Broke In!

But nonetheless, The Ice Capades Bigwigs sat Prince down and told him, look we cant use you kid! Sorry!

Prince asked – Why?

“The Ice Capades Bigwigs responded by saying: “Yes you can skate and dance and you’ve got all the moves + your small & wiry and kinda effeminate, which is pretty much all the characteristics we look for in a male Figure Skater”!

“But Prince the truth is We Don’t have Black Male Figure Skaters for a reason, and that reason is……… there’s just way too much packaging going on down there!”

Prince – “What?”

The Ice Capades Bigwigs – “Theres just too much Banana and not enough Split!”

Prince – “What?”

The Ice Capades Bigwigs – “Your Cookies are being Promoted!

Prince – What?

Your Cucumbers are Poking through the Bag!”

Prince – “What?”

The Ice Capades Bigwigs – “Ok…………………umm……………………look! We’re just gonna come right out and say it- Prince!……….. Your Dictionary is Just Too Big!
For Figure Skating or Wearing Tights! And this is a Sport that requires both!”

“We just cant do that to our audience of Predominately White Middle Aged Moms & Their Average Sized Husbands as well as their Small White Kids! There just not ready to see that Prince! This is 1976, no one White can deal with a Dictionary that Big!”

At that point Prince began to Scream! But not just any scream but the actual  scream he hit at The End of The Beautiful Ones!

“What’s Da Size of My Dictionary have to do wit me being in The Ice Capades?” “Huh?” “Just how am i supposed to get girls now?”

So one of The Ice Capades Bigwigs stood up & said

“Prince your best bet is to get into Music, you know like Rock & Roll, that way you’ll be sure to get all The Girls! Girls like Big Things that come in Lil Packages!”

“Besides Prince you’ve got to understand that all of our male skaters are small men who carry small dictionaries & clearly have no interest in Scantily Clad Spandex wearing women, even though they hoist them in the air & hold them by their private parts for long periods of time, they don’t want women!”


“But you Prince! You’re a small man who carries a Big Dictionary, and you clearly want women, look man we cant have that! This is a Family Show based on Small Effeminate Men Skating with Super Sexy Spandex Wearing Women that they have zero interest in! Ok that’s what The Ice Capades are all about! We cater to The Family!”

The bottomline is we just can’t have you prancing around wit all dat! So thanks Prince but no thanks.” Please leave & kindly take your Big Black Dictionary with you!

So with that Prince Left and Vowed never to return to Professional Figure Skating but instead become a Singer/Rock & Roller. He took The Ice Capades Rejection personally, so much in fact that its been narrowly reported that Prince lobbied hard to have his 1984 Mega Smash Album Purple Rain changed to ” F*ck Da Ice Capades”! Also in one final act of Passive Aggressiveness Prince decided to keep all his Skating Outfits & Wear them Onstage to Sing & Perform in.

The Rest is History!

Abe Finklestein
Sports Humour


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