ABE FINKLESTEIN PRESENTS: THE 5 X FAT GAMES

The King of Sports HumourIf YOU’RE FAT THEN CHANCES ARE YOU’LL BE OFFENDED BY THIS ARTICLE, But you shouldn’t be, you should be proud. How proud? Ugly women pregnant proud! You see folks this article is about Fat Athletes ( yes there is such a thing) doing Great Things, and not just Great Things but Fat Great Things! ( apparently there’s a difference).

The King of Sports Humour
Sensational Staff Writer and self described “Dunkin Donuts God” and probably the only person in this article that isn’t fat. Adayus Knight has done it again! He’s come up with The 5X Fat Games and we here at abefinlestein.com could not be any prouder! In this Article we’ll focus on “Fat Bike Short Distance Riding”, were The Goal is for a Fat Couple to ride on a Motorcycle for 25 miles without stopping to eat or the tire going flat.

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This has never been done in The Short History of The 5X Fat Games because….. Well you know why, I mean let’s face it when was the last time you drove 25 miles without seeing a McDonald’s or a Taco Bell or a Walmart and how long can a poor motorcycle tire last when you put 700+ pounds on the back tire?

To be honest there’s a whole lot of passing gas at these events because (we’ve been told) there’s something about The Fat Athlete lifestyle that makes them constantly pass gas, and produce these Loud Air Biscuits of Death! But we do know this…….The 5x Fat Games are legitimate and these Fatletes are serious about what they do.

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The Games start at 9 a.m sharp with a Huge Power Breakfast that consists of Eggs, Bacon, Sausage, Ham, Scrapple, Grits, Cheese Grits, Potatoes, Tater Tots, Oatmeal, Porridge, Cap’n Crunch Cereal , Fruity Pebbles ,Frosted Flakes, Biscuits, Toast, Milk aaaaand Juice! Because as we All know, Juice makes a Breakfast Complete!

 

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Then The Fatletes sit around and talk about their plans and what they’re probably gonna eat for lunch, after 45 minutes of talking, it’s now Time for lunch, which consists of Fried Chicken. Fried Steak,Fried Chicken Steak, Roast Beef, Roast Pork, Pork Chops, Pork Loins, Pork Sirloins, Ham,Fried Ham, Fried Spaghetti, Baked Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Macaroni and Cheese, Oodles of Noodles ( don’t ask) Cheeseburgers, Pizza, Hotdogs, Hoagies, Heroes and Submarine Sandwiches, Chocolate Cake, Chocolate Pudding, Chocolate Pie, Chocolate, Birthday Cake,Wedding Cake, Pudding Pie, Pudding Pound Cake and um… pudding and of course to wash it all down, four cases of Diet Pepsi.

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Then around 1 o’clock they all decide that them just showing up was Athletic enough and the ride home will be sufficient enough to say that they’ve actually done something athletic. Honestly folks this happens every year and to our knowledge no one has completed or even bothered to start an activity. The Chairman of The 5X Games “Mandy Manback Wilson” The First Fat Woman To Ever Touch Her Toes, when asked about the inactivity she proudly said “Don’t judge The Fat because …. Hold up can I get cheese on that”?

Um unfortunately that was her actual quote and fortunately the chair Mandy was sitting in was made of Double Reinforced Steel. Well readers there you have it, our Report on The 5X Games and The Lifestyle of The Fat Athlete ( Fatletes ) and we hope you all learned a little something about these Amazing People! Because in the end we’re all the same, whether your fat short skinny or tall were all the same.

Deep inside we can’t judge because if you think about it were all just like fat people, except for them being overweight and having a stomach that hangs over the belt and the high blood pressure and the diabetes and the sweating and the heavy breathing and the every time they get in a car it leans sideways, But yea other than that were all the same. We all put our pants on one leg at a time, Even if some of those pants are 5X Pocketless Sweats.

Abefinklestein
Sports Humour

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