Jason Pierre Paul should sign with KFC. Its finger missing good!
Three piece and a biscuit now makes sense. On July 4th of this year, Jason Pierre Paul, aka JPP, played with fire and he got burnt. His fire in this case was fireworks. Reports quickly surfaced that he had a finger blown off. Now it’s reported that it might even be two fingers missing. So now whenever you walk into KFC and want a three-piece, just ask for the JPP.
Last week the big story was JPP losing a finger. This week the story died down but JPP still lost a finger. Until further reports, we’ll laugh at him for only losing one. Let us sarcastically do the math. How does 20 – explosion =17? By having 2 NFL players lighting fireworks on 4th of July and collectively blowing off 3 fingers. Not the kind of math we learned in school but the numbers add up the same.
If these were S.A.T questions, I “Adayus Knight” might’ve went to College and got a real job. (Finklestein pays lousy.) He’s got money for Cigars but never money for lunch, instead he gives us Free Camp Lunches from The Olhead Camp Lady down The Street. Grown Azz Men reduced to eating lil Ham & Cheeses Sammiches some mixed vegetables & corn & a 4 oz. Chocolate Milk.
More Sarcastic Math, 1 equals 60 million. After losing one finger, the New York Giants resend their 60 million dollar contract offer to JPP. Fireworks aren’t that fun dude., JPP had 1 + 60 million reasons to let his friends hold the lighter. Having bad friends just don’t add up.
The lesser of the two talents, Bucs cb C.J. Wilson is worse at math. He lost 2 fingers in one explosion whereas JPP went the one-finger route. Either Wilson is worse at math or he’s an overachiever. I wonder if the missing fingers will help him catch the ball since the ball can lodge in between the space where the fingers used to be?
I’m hoping in all positivity that he lost his middle two fingers, why? so he can intercept balls by having them lodge in between his Rock n Roll hand symbol. Or maybe if he lost his peace symbol fingers, turning peace to pieces ( get it?)
There was an ethical dilemma about the breaking of this story. Reporter Adam Schefter first reported this story and also released medical reports backing up his report. Medical reports that he didn’t have permission to release. Here at Abe Finkelstein, we don’t care about ethics. Blah ethics. Thanks for compromising your integrity Schefter, We need more stories to talk about so keep digging.
Fun facts: Upon entering The League JPP Prohetically requested The No# 90. It now fits,since he now has 9.0 fingers left. Prophetic if you ask me.
1.If he’s mad can he still give someone the middle finger?
2.When he gets a sack will he give a high four?
3.Was it his butt wiping hand?
4.Can he play the 5 technique as a down linemen now?
5.Is he jealous of the foam finger?
6.How does he point to someone to let them know who he’s talking to?
7.Can he point anyone in the right direction?
8.Can he fit the Hamburger Helper glove?
9.Does he flinch while eating Rice krispies, cause they do snap crackle and pop?
10.Can he shop lift anymore since it’s also known as the five finger discount?
10a. Does he carry money? Cause he can’t carry one’s since he’s missing one, can’t carry five’s since he has four and can’t carry ten’s since he has nine.
So there it is folks 10+ Explosive Jason Pierre Paul one liners and we hope you share theses with your classmates and co-workers but just remember one thing! Don’t play with Fireworks when you have a 60 million $$ contract! For those of you that don’t have a 60 million $$ contract, feel free to blow all of your fingers off! Just don’t point the finger of blame at us. Cause you won’t be able to. Haaaa! Get it?